


Does This Count as Accidental Baby Acquisition—Please Send Help

by the17thmuse



Series: Hatake Agricultural Adventures [14]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Cabbage patch babies, Drunken Shenanigans, Implied/Referenced Sex, Itty Bitty Senju Flowerpot, M/M, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-27 05:24:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20942969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the17thmuse/pseuds/the17thmuse
Summary: (Follows "How Not to Blackmail Your Frenemies")the Morning After the Hangover (Sakumo edition)





	Does This Count as Accidental Baby Acquisition—Please Send Help

**Author's Note:**

> Follows "How Not to Blackmail Your Frenemies"

Sakumo had been among the last of the Hatake shinobi of Konoha for some time now. (Many reserve/non-active Shinobi and 'civilian' relatives are quite alive and well, thank you. And they supposedly still have some very distant cousins in the Land of Iron, Snow and Lightning. Very, very, very distant and not too friendly ones.)

Yet, lately, it felt like he had been more of Suna's than of Konoha's since the Konoha-Suna Alliance had been established during the last dregs of the Second War. When the Hokage had basically gifted him away as a 'gesture of goodwill'.

His month or so long stint as a prisoner in a foreign village's Torture & Interrogation Department plus 'assisting' non-allied shinobi (fellow prisoners) at the time as a joint effort to to escape had apparently been enough to make his loyalties suspect (according to the Council of Elders, at least). 

Alright, maybe the multiple data breaches that coincidentally happened during and after his capture made things really look bad. _Being almost killed by fellow Konoha-nin in multiple separate attempts_ levels of bad. Especially, considering the nature and consequences of the information. But...

No matter what the rumors said, they did not _break_ him. He never had, and would _never_ turn on his comrades. _He was not a traitor, damn it._

Any mention of Konohagakure no longer brought homesickness or heartache since the sniffle-filled 'disagreement' with the ever-paranoid Shimura-sensei—_necessary sacrifices my ass, he is NOT a bride to be given away by the Hokage, and I bet you're silently crying too in the Pure Lands, Kagami-sensei, for the lack of spine and sheer gall of this stunt. _

And may the man suffer a thousand indignities and a hangover—yes, courtesy of Sakumo having drank high-grade wine in his stead.

(He is a genius. Yes, he is...plastered, that is—_No, it was a mistake. Everything aches—why does it ache everywhere? Help._ Curse Hiruzen and Danzo _and especially_ the Council, this hangover _sucks_.)

Since, the brilliant Sakumo (_why is he referring to himself in the third person again?_) appeared to have challenged Satetsu no Kurogane (_his charming Suna bedside-jailer-slash-nurse...and apparently, the Sandaime Kazekage...say what?!_) to a drinking contest and maybe a few other things last night and 'liberated' a pot of soil in the process.

At least, that was the initial observation, as he woke up to a flowerpot in his arms and the Kage triangle hat balanced lopsidedly AND upside-down on his forehead, while being in the (admittedly comfortable and) possessive embrace of the dark-haired, half-naked man who is currently doing a better impression of being a limpet-octopus hybrid than the leader of a hidden village at the moment.

Sakumo fought against the static of not-quite-awake and narrowed his eyes. Then tried to turn to the side, but alas, Kurogane's arms seem to be made of sterner stuff and he really feels more akin to a limp noodle than anything else right now—and _ow. _

(Crushing hug of death.) _Urgh-gh-ghhhh....his poor, poor ribs. _

So _that's_ what woke him up the first time. _Ack..._

The Kazekage shifted and nuzzled his face into the junction of Sakumo's jaw and neck, right into one of his really sensitive spots, then took a sleepy bite. The Hatake released an pitiful whine, nose wiggling, and accepted his fate of being a chew toy with the dignity of someone with a debilitating hangover. Then, he frowned.

_Are the furniture in the background...snickering?_

_Hhn. Food for thought later when he recovers enough brain cells to move_, he finally decided and hugged the painted flowerpot closer, right next to his face. 

The silver-haired shinobi spent around ten minutes or so drowsily staring at it, when what he was seeing hit him like a punch in the gut and Sakumo frowned, suddenly sober.

How it even ended up in Suna in the first place is a mystery that may never be solved. 

Ever. 

Because it looks exactly like the itty-bitty-by-Senju-size-standard flowerpot his Hatake father Irakusa, bless-his-unknown-other-name-because-Hoshikusa-ojisan-still-won't-let-him-say-it, supposedly came from. And where he had been planted and 'born' from, too.

The carefully detailed designs are one of a kind, hand-painted by the prodigious healer Tema Senju himself to cheer up his frail daughter-in-law, the Lady Shiso, during her times of illness and her difficult pregnancy with Tobirama Senju. (Hah. At least, that was the official explanation.)

...And there goes the rest of his sleep.

In hindsight, Sakumo never expected that something as trivial as a flowerpot would bring so much trouble.

Its very existence had been driving the Suna ANBU crazy all morning. 

It's been driving _him_ crazy.

Because there was a very big chance that he may have drunkenly involved his newest (and equally drunk) 'friend' in planting one of his baby teeth, which the growing tiny pup seems to indicate—  


—as there had never been a **_cactus_** in the entire history of Hatake baby-plants before.

Kurogane-san either suffered a harmless cut from Sakumo's baby tooth _(pffft...as if)_ or they made out and had a lot of drunken sex, and considering nature of the many, many, many hand-prints and bruises on both of them—_does this mean he's married now_—and that couldn't possibly be grounds for an alliance breach or a war, right? 

They just finished with the second one...

..._Kami_, will his child even be considered a citizen of Konoha, or of Suna?

And...wasn't the title of Kazekage _passed down the bloodline?_

_...what had drunken him been thinking?!_

**Author's Note:**

> Baby cacti are called 'pups' and I just could not help myself. And I have no idea where this pairing came from. Also, explaining Sakumo's lineage to outsiders and to him is going to be SO complicated with all the secrecy and lies going on.
> 
> **Warnings:** silliness, accidental baby-making(?), implications of sex and other drunken shenanigans
> 
> **Roster:**  
Irakusa (nettle) [蕁麻] - the fictional name of Sakumo's 'mother' who Madara supposedly had a relationship with  
Satetsu no Kurogane (black steel of the iron sand) [砂鉄の黒鋼] - the Sandaime Kazekage   
Hoshikusa (hay) [干し草] - Kumade's son and Sakumo's uncle figure, who enabled many of Kangai's schemes and plant projects  
Tema (effort) [手間] - the Senju Head Healer who monitored Tobirama's birth, possibly Butsuma's uncle or father  
Shiso (basil) [紫蘇] - Kabocha Hatake's dark-haired daughter and Tobrama's mother  
  
**Sources:**  
_Danzo as Sakumo's sensei _  
\- Better to Honour by QuoteMyFoot (https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5884037/1/Better-to-Honour)


End file.
